This is that story.
Back in the winter of 2011, it was very very cold for a very long time. And there was lots of snow and ice in the mountains of Scotland and the Lake District. Many exciting routes were being climbed but I was working on a stone walling project in Kent. In early March I came home and as I was so keen to climb we set off to Craig Meggy as the ice had been reported to be really good and fat. But when we got there, it wasn't so we drove back home and then next day went bouldering at Caley in Yorkshire. Because I hadn't climbed for a while I was very keen and ran around all day doing lots of problems. I was so keen that even when everyone else was packing up I tried to do a few more problems. I balanced on a boulder with one foot in a tree to check out the top holds on a problem when my foot slipped out the tree and i fell onto the path. I tried to roll to avoid landing on my head so landed on my shoulder instead. Which went crunch. We drove home, stopping to buy some frozen cauliflower to ice my shoulder from the Tesco express on the way.
Kendal hospital were lovely and said it wasn't broken but recommended a scan. The next day Lancaster Royal Infirmary said it was fine and to take some painkillers. This is what I wanted to hear. Also because I needed to be back at work in Folkestone.
On getting back to work and realising I couldn't lift my hammer I set about trying to get a scan from Lancaster. A few weeks later, refusing to give me a scan, Mr Rhodes said he knew exactly what was wrong with my shoulder - it was my upper biceps tendon which had ruptured. He was correct, only it had ruptured 5 years previously and the current injury was entirely unrelated, except it was on the same arm. Time for a second opinion.
Enter the Funkmeister.
Anyone who has had any shoulder surgery will know (or will wish they knew) Professor Leonard Funk. On my first consultation, before the scan, he told me exactly what was wrong; ruptured supraspinatus and torn subscapularis and that I would need surgery if I ever wanted to pick up a hammer again. I wasn't too bothered about the hammer but the thought of being able to climb again was quite nice. A scan confirmed his diagnosis and thus began the long wait for NHS surgery.
The highlight of my climbing summer was doing the Old Man of Hoy (and running back in time to catch the 10am ferry off Hoy). The next weekend we did the Cuillin ridge on the Saturday, climbed at Reiff on Sunday and on the Monday walked up Suilven getting back just before the path was engulfed in flames! Not usually a problem in Scotland.
Finally in September, after a summer of following my lovely wife up routes and using my hammer by resting my elbow on my hip, I had my shoulder repaired at Wrightington Hospital, knowing I wasn't going to be able to climb or work for the next 4 months. My main concern was that Professor Funk seemed to have a curious inability to tell right from left - and more than twice I'd had to correct the notes which seemed to suggest they were going to operate on my left shoulder.
The day after the operation i could barely lift my arm out of its sling, but a couple of days later i could lift it above my head which seemed pretty promising. The trouble was, we live in Little Langdale and I couldn't drive so there wasn't a right lot to do. Inspired by an article by Peter Fleming in a Fell & Rock journal i went walking the Lakeland fells in search of 7 recorded stone fox traps. Knowing the Lakes quite well, I managed to find what I believe are several more traps.
All the walking around kept me reasonably fit and after a couple of weeks I started doing a bit of running. And a bit is enough for anyone. On my first run around Tilberthwaite from Little Langdale i was stopped by some security guards from the set of Snow White and the huntsman which was being filmed in Cathedral quarry. What they failed to understand was that they were in Little Langdale where nobody tells me where I can and can't go. The next day I saved their bacon when I drove their 'stuck' Landrover out of a ditch. The boredom of being stuck at home reached a climax around this time and I started stalking the security men through the woods, seeing how close I could get to them without them knowing. I could get within a few metres. But this was too easy. I needed a trophy so I snuck past them one night and released one of their massive helium balloons from its anchors. They were lucky because it got caught by the roof of the quarry. I thought this was funny and my wife decided I was definitely going mad.
The highpoint of my madness came one Sunday morning when Mary was driving me over to the Duddon so I could walk home. We were stuck for miles behind a deliberately obstructive cyclist who when asked to pull over stopped in the middle of the road in front of us, threatening to stay there all day if he wanted to. I couldn't open my door because it was too close to the wall so I climbed out the window of the car, arm still in a sling, and ran towards him threatening to throw him over the wall. He cycled off at speed and pulled over in the next laybye.
Luckily I could drive again soon after this.
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